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30 Days of Truth, Day 11.

July 29, 2010







Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I think the thing that I get the most compliments on is that I have a good heart. It's one of the things that I love about myself. I care about other people, and their feelings.

I'm sure you've hear this a million times, "It doesn't matter how good looking they are if they have a shitty attitude!" I truly believe that. If you're a gorgeous woman (or man) and you have a shitty attitude and only care about yourself then you wont get very far in life. Who wants to be around that all the time?

So yeah, I may not be the best looking person in the world but I'm a great person to have as a friend. I can live with that!

Ok enough of that, guess what y'all? Guess who called me today?? My sister! (Yeah, I'm doin' the happy dance!!) She just called to talk, no arguing, no bitching, just talking like we used to do before the huge argument! I can't begin to tell you how happy I am!!!

Only 52 more days until I'll be back home, in Louisiana!! Yay! Going to be celebrating the Sugar Cane Festival and meeting up with Leiah, and hopefully Kimber and Deanna too! Wild, fun times y'all!

SAS and 30 Days of Truth, Day 10.

July 28, 2010





Egg Salad
4 hard-boiled eggs, peeled
1/4 – 1/2 C. mayonnaise
1 – 2 t. mustard powder
salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
2-3 slices cooked bacon, crumbled

Place whole eggs in a bowl and, using a pastry blender, mash eggs until they are finely chopped. (I like to leave mine a bit chunky) Add crumbled bacon. Add 1/4 C. mayo and 1 t. mustard powder then stir to blend. Taste and then adjust amounts of mayo and mustard powder to suit your own taste. Season well with salt and pepper. Serve on your choice of bread. (I like mine toasted) I also add tomato (especially right out of the garden!!) and lettuce. Yummm.


 Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

As usual there is a couple of people that I think of when I read this one! One of those wont be in this entry.
The answer to this one would probably be my two "bff's" from Louisiana.

The first one I've known since we were 16, she moved in with my  family in my sophomore year after her grandfather kicked her out. We were like sisters. Best of friends. Until she met a guy. Yeah, she's one of "those!" Once she meets a guy she doesn't know you, until he dumps her. Not to mention the girl used to borrow money off of me all the damn time and never paid me back. But I knew when I was "loaning" it to her that I wasn't going to get it back so no biggie.

It seems I have a knack of finding those "it's all about me" people. The last time I spoke to her was when I was on my way home for Rusty's Dad's funeral. She decided that it would be a good time to call me and tell me about her suicide attempt. The day my son's father killed himself. I was still angry. So to have this girl, who's only problems was that she has five kids with a pill head and she can't keep her pants on., to have her call me and tell me how she didn't even think of her kids as she was swollowing the pills...can you see the flames coming out of my ears?

The conversation didn't go well. I  told her that I couldn't believe that she could be that selfish, to not even think of her kids???

A couple of months later her daughter sent me a message on FB to tell me that she was back in the hospital because of depression. I sat down and wrote her a long message (on fb) explaining to her, in detail what my ex did to his kids, his parents, his friends...the people who loved them. I begged her to think of her kids.

She never even replied to the message. A couple of months ago she started leaving comments on my profile, so I guess she's not mad at me anymore lol. I usually don't reply to her. It's just not worth the energy it takes sometimes. She's got to figure out her own life.

The other bff is almost just as bad. I honestly think (now that I've had time to look back over everything) that the only reason we became friends was because when we met at a mutual friends house she started having an anxiety attack. She didn't have her meds. I told her I had mine at my house. She came with me to my house and from then on, we were inseparable. We're two peas in a pod in so many ways it's not even funny. I swear, you could get the two of us together and let us have a couple of drinks and video tape us....you'd sell that shit for a fortune lol. We're hilarious together. That's what happens when you put two blondes together!

We've had our issues. She  has issues with  Rx drugs. So I was the perfect friend (in her eyes) for her. I was just too dumb to see it. She'd always have a reason why she was out of her anxiety meds, and since I have anxiety and I know how it feels, I felt bad for her so I'd give her some of mine (we were on the same meds).

Both of her kids are my godchildren.  I love them dearly. It's one of the reason's we're still friends.  She'd stopped talking to be a couple of months before I moved away from LA. She woke me up early on the morning of my birthday and I was cranky, I guess it pissed her off. She was even invited to my surprise bday party and didn't show up.

A week before I left she got in touch with me and I got to see my God babies a bit before I left. I usually see her and the kids every time I go home but it's not the same! She tells me she's off all the Rx meds, but I know he so well that I know when she's slurring her words and I can (almost) tell you what she's on. It's sad.

Well, my sleeping pills seem to be kicking in! Hope you all have a good night!

30 Days of Truth, Day 9.


Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

This one's gonna be a little hard for me. I kinda believe that people come inot (and out of) your life for a reason. So if there's someone I've drifter apart from, it was for a reason. I might not have realized it at the time but sooner or later the truth slaps me upside my damn head I get the point.

The only person I can think of is my son's Dad. Yesterday was the "anniversary" of his suicide.  Even though our marriage didn't' work out we were still very good friends, until I moved here.  Distance and his drug abuse took it's toll on our friendship.

He's threatened suicide so many times before, no one honestly thought he'd actually do it. We all thought his threats were just for attention.

Thought I'm still so damn angry for the way he did it. For calling his parents and telling them "goodbye," knowing they were going to run down to his house. For pulling the trigger knowing they were going to be the ones to find him. For doing that to them a year (to the day) after they lost their daughter to lung disease.

I'm pissed at him for being so fucking selfish. For not thinking of his kids, his parents, his family...the people who loved him. Fuck, I'd like to give up sometimes, but I can't. I have a  child. I can't be that damn selfish.

But as pissed off at him I am, I hurt for him too. I can't imagine the pain he must have been going through to stick the barrel of a high powered rifle in his mouth and pulling the trigger. I hurt for what must have been going through his mind during those last minutes.




Suicide is never the answer! Suicide prevention lifeline.

Meet Me on Monday and 30 Days of Truth...day

July 26, 2010

You should go by Java's blog and check out the Meet Me On Monday!


Questions:

1. What one food could you eat every single day?
Mexican...anything Mexican! You can add a margarita to that order...please!



2. Do you wear glasses or contacts? 
Glasses, only when I read though (unless I forget to take them off lol)!



3. What kind of cell phone do you have?
Blackberry Tour...can't live without it



4. What did you have for dinner last night?
We went to a pig pickin' (my first) so we had pulled pork and all the fixin's!


Whew...thank God they didn't have a whole pig on the grill...I wouldn't have been able to eat it lol! Love that pic though! Found it on Google!

5. What is your favorite candy?
Watermelon (or almost any other flavor) Jolly Ranchers! Once I start eating them...I can't stop!  





Today is day 8 of my 30 days of truth. I can't tell y'all how therapeutic this meme has been for me. I'm having fun with it!  

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I could really go off with this one, but for the sake of my own sanity I'm not going to. I guess this one would have to go to my ex. I met him when my son was 2. I know that this is going to sound so cliche' but the first time that I saw him I just knew that we were destined to be together. For real y'all, I swear I thought I heard a choir singing lol. I didn't even meet him that day, I just saw him. It took me two weeks to talk my sister into introducing me to him. He was recently separated and well to be honest, I was a bit of a "player!" (or so my sister thought) She honestly said that he was too good for me.

I have to explain the "player" thing though. I'd been hurt so many times that I wasn't about to let anyone do it to me again. So I would break things off with a guy before he could. Yeah...it was my "I'm gonna hurt you before you can hurt me stage!"

She finally introduced us two weeks after I first saw him. He came to my sisters house (with his 5 and 6 year old daughters) and we played cards. We saw each other every day after that for almost two months before he left to go on a vacation with his family. The week that he was gone was one of the most miserable weeks of my life lol. My sister and her husband (I lived with them) were just as miserable. We all missed him like crazy!!

He ended up cutting his vacation short by three days because apparently he missed me just as much. YAY! I think he was the first guy that didn't try to have sex with me on the first date, or the second, or the thrid. Two months. Months. I loved that about him.

We ended up moving in together not long after the vacation. I'd never been that in love with someone in all my life. And I was just in love with his kids. They started calling me momma about two weeks after we started dating. They had my heart.

Eight months into our living together I found out that he was talking to his ex that he was separated from. I was crushed. Heartbroken. But I bowed out gracefully. I loved him enough that I wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. His psycho wife started sending me crazy letters in the mail, they were typed on brown paper bags and the return address was 666 Cemetery Highway crazy! AFTER I left...and she had him back...and this  bitch started harassing me. Don't worry, two years later I whipped her ass!  You can talk about me all you like but when you start putting my sons name on those brown paper bags, we've got an issue. And I DON'T forget. I only had to wait to years to find her ass out in a bar!

Five years later we found out that each other was once again single. We started seeing each other again and within two months we were living together again.  

He'd changed a lot over those five years. When we first got back together he had this young couple living with him. My sister and I stopped by his house one night cause he said they were having a party. There were teenagers every where. Those kids were tearing up his house, one girl actually threw up in his bed. It was a hot mess. By the end of the night the teenagers were running out the back door and the cops (noise complaint) were knocking on the front door. That should have been my first clue. But, here's the man that I'd loved so much that I chose to ignore a lot of things I shouldn't have.

He's started smoking weed. I always knew it but chose to ignore it. He'd smoke it in front of his kids. I couldn't stand that. There was no way he was doing that in front of my son. And he didn't. I guess about 5 years into our relationship there was a knock at our door, it was the cops.

His 17 year old daughter wanted to move in with us and there was nothing her mom could do to stop her so she told the cops that we got a "shipment" of weed every Friday and that we sold to minors. Lyin' bitch.

Our house was raided. In front of my son and my Godchild were there. We had about 10-12 cops searching everywhere. They found less than an ounce of weed.  We were both arrested. Yup, I was arrested and handcuffed, in front of my son and my Godchild. For weed that I didn't even smoke. (Yeah, I'd tried it. Hell I even liked it for a while, but that was years before this.)

I don't think I ever forgave him for that. Having to go to court and being found guilty. Having that on my record. For being put on probation for two years for his bs. Uugh. Want to know the funny part? Two months later we got married. Lol...

Drugs and alcohol were a big part of his life. I just chose to overlook it. Instead of standing up for myself and demanding that he quit I just overlooked it. I started noticing that when he was on (pain) pills or when he was drinking that he was mean, hateful, spiteful...just nasty mean.

The longer we were together the worse it got. It was like a sport to him, and the bigger audience he had, the worse it was. I'll never forget my first xmas without my Mom my whole family came to our house for xmas day. He got drunk. He was just mean to me for the sake of being mean. He humiliated me in front of my family. I sat there in front of everyone and cried.

That was the day that I realized that I wasn't going to take it anymore. Two can play this game. It just went downhill from there. We fought all the time. Never had nothing nice to say to each other. It was just abusive all the way around.

This is also the same time that I realized that there was something seriously wrong with me. I was having a lot of muscle pain, numbness in my "limbs" and just really weird shit going on with my body. I went to my family doctor and the minute I told him my symptoms he said "You have fibromyalgia!" Just to be on the safe side he tested me for MS, Lupis and every other frickin' thing you can think of. He was right the first time.

I took it hard. All I could think about when being tested for MS was "What if I end up in a wheel chair? This is who I'm supposed to depend on to take care of me? Just imagine how abusive he'd be then!" When I went home and told him what the final results were he said "You might as well as kill yourself now and get it over with!"

The worst  part was I had to sleep with my meds hidden in my pillow case every night. They were his first love at this point. Honestly, I don't know how I could have been so stupid to have not realized that he was sneaking in them. Once I had to get an injection in my neck which meant that he had to take me to the hospital and bring me home because I was sedated. Once he got me home he went straight to the drug store and filled my Rx's! Pain meds. The next day I realized that he'd taken half the bottle before he gave them to me. He stashed them for later.

It got so bad that (because I couldn't work at the time) the only way he would let me fill my Rx's was if I gave him half of them. He'd paid for them after all. That was his thinking. If he paid for them then he should get half of them.

He used to love to light a small fire in our back yard and sit out there and drink during the winter. At this point he was so bad off on pills that he would fall asleep out there and I wouldn't be able to wake him up. It would take me over an hour to get him up and in the house. It disgusted me to see him like that. It was, in one word, pathetic.

I'd never even thought about this until my sister said it to me but she told me "Dee, if he od's on your pills, you can go to jail!" I'd already been to jail once for his ass, I wasn't about to do it again. I left. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I was (and am) so proud of myself for having the strength to just walk away. It was the best decision for both of us.

I immediately filed for a divorce. The only thing I asked for in our divorce was my car. I wasn't going to take anything from him. I just wanted out. We were granted our divorce two months later.

Two months after our divorce I found out that he was seeing his ex wife. Yeah, the psycho bitch that he was married to before me. Haha. They were married a couple of months later and within 6 months of their wedding she was preggers with their son. His daughters were 23 and 24 at the time they had their son. His grandson is older than his son lol.

But, his wife has done some good for himl. Apparently (NOT) he's off drugs. (Bitch is blind! I saw him the last time I went home, he was loaded on pills. I mean...fucker is slurring his words! HELLOOO). And he's really slowed down on the drinking. (HA right!) She wont allow it.

More power to 'em!

Whew...that was a long one huh? If you're still reading this...I lubs ya! You're the best! I'm gonna close by saying "I hate half truths!" Just sayin'.............

30 days of Truth and Friday Follow

July 23, 2010



Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to lose a loved one, friend, enemy, etc to cancer (or anything else for that matter!!!)
I hope I never have to tell my Son that someone else he loves has passed away.
I hope I never have to deal with a certain bitchy individual again. Ever.
I hope I never have to go to the dr again. (Yeah, good luck with this one!)
I hope I never have to see my son hurt, in any way, shape or form of the word.
I hope I never have to argue with my sisters again.
I hope I never piss my hubby off so bad that I make the vein in his forehead pop out! Lol...it's not purdy!
I hope I never have to give up.
I hope I never have to hide what I truely feel.
I hope I never have to dust again. Or do laundry. Or mop or sweep. Oh hell...I hope I never have to clean again. Hey, it's my world. A girl can dream!
I hope I never have to stay up for two days straight again (yeah, I'm going on day 2 no sleep!)

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
 
Rusty's 14th Birthday
 
                            Rusty visiting me in NC
  
Senior Pic
Graduation

                    Rusty's favorite thing to do


My Son. (And my Grandson, his pic will be at the end of this post! He's such a CUTIE!!!)He is what makes every day worth waking up for.  Even when my fibromyalgia pain was at it's worst, I made sure that I got up out of bed when he came home from school. He's worth it.




He's got this deep voice that just soothes me when I hear it. If I'm having a rough day all I have to do is talk to him and I'm better.  (Isn't that supposed to go the other way around?? Parenting fail!)

His laugh is infectious. I absolutely love the sound of his laugh. I swear, it's like a xanax for me lol. (Don't tell him I said that!) He has the quirkiest sense of humor. And this child will look you straight in the eye and tell you exactly what he thinks of you. Tough nugies if you don't like it! Lol... I love that about him! He's not afraid to speak his mind. At all.

I used to roll my eyes when I'd hear someone say "My life wasn't complete until I had my kids," and then I had Rusty.

When I found out I was pregnant and then two weeks later found out that his (bio) Dad wanted nothing to do with me or him, I didn't know if I could do it. Neither did my family. I'm a very determined person though. If you expect me to fail, I'll show your ass!

I've never recieved a dollar in child support. Ever. It's been me and Rusty against the world since the day he was born. Three months early and only weighing 3 lbs. He was born a fighter. And he's been that way ever since then! It rubbed off on me.

He's my pride, my inspiration, my drive. He's made me realize that giving up isn't an option. I'd like to say that I'm always stronger than him, but it's not true. He's also my support.

You think you know love, until you have a child. Once you have a child of your own then you know true, pure love.

I can't leave out my Grand Son. He is everything to my Son. There isn't a minute, a second of each day that goes by that my son doesn't think of his son. He babies him, he's a great parent. You'll never see a 20 year old boy (man??) take care of their baby the way my son does his! Just sayin'...... Here's my Grandbaby!!!!!!

My Grandbaby! Aww cher'!!!

Isn't he adorable? You wanna know what's sad? I don't even know my Grand Son's name. But if I had to guess I'd say it's Hunter, or Browning, Beretta, Smith, Wesson, Remington...you know, one of those CLASSY names! Aint just any ol' name gonna work for my country boy He's gotta have the best "cajun" name out there!




Haha!








SAS and A Letter to Mom. Taco Stuffed Shells, Lazy Cabbage Rolls.

July 22, 2010


Mexican Stuffed Shells



1lb ground beef
1 package taco seasoning
1 4 once package cream cheese
12 large pasta shells
1 cup salsa
1 cup taco sauce
1 cup cheddar cheese (shredded)
1 cup Monterey jack cheese (shredded)
1 ½ cups tortilla chips (crushed)
3 green onions (chopped)
1 cup sour cream

In a fry pan cook ground beef and add taco seasoning and prepare according to package directions. Add cream cheese cover and simmer until cheese is melted. Blend well. Set aside and allow to fully cool. While burger is cooking cook the pasta shells, drain and toss well with butter.

Pour salsa in the bottom of a 9 x 13 inch baking dish.

Stuff each shell with the meat mixture. Place the stuffed shells in the baking dish and cover the tops of the shells with taco sauce.

Cover and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes, uncover, and sprinkle crushed chips and shredded cheddar and Monterey jack cheeses on top. Cook for about 15 more minutes. Serve with sour cream, additional salsa, black olives, you know... all the "taco fixings!"

This next dish is something that my Mom, my sisters and I have made for as long as I can remember. I change it up a bit though. I think the tomato soup is a bit too sweet for my liking so I use half a can of the soup and a (small) can of tomato sauce. I also sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top! I didn't have any pics so I had to search Google for a couple. Mine is usually much more "tomato'y" (it IS a word damn it!) than this pic looks!

We call them "Lazy Cabbage Rolls!" This dish is super easy and yummy. Don doesn't eat cabbage, or I guess I should say didn't! Lol... He loved the HELL out of this dish!!! Yeah, seriously....he didn't eat cabbage before this!




Lazy Cabbage Rolls
1 lb ground beef
1 lb ground pork
2 large onions
1 1/2 cups uncooked rice
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 large head of cabbage (cut into bite size pieces)(I cut the cabbage into bigger chunks, it kind of falls apart so you don't want them too small!)