Stalking My Blog and Random Thoughts

Do people still write and read blogs? 

I just spent a bunch of hours over several days reading this blog from the beginning in 2009 to the last entry in 2018. It was a little like visiting an old friend. And a little like stalking a stranger. 

WHO WAS THAT PERSON? 

I remember her. I remember the artist who created every single day, who posted art every day, who joined challenges and facebook groups and went to art retreats. And ran an art-based business as a full time job. I remember her but I am no longer that person. It makes me sad, not in a "that person died" kind of way but more like I've been unfriended or blocked by myself. That person no longer exists in my life. 

I think that person started fading once my divorce was finalized in 2014. I went on for a few more years, trying to run a full time business and collect only 50% of the profits. I went to trade shows for a few years, business slowed down immensely during these years and when I was finally legally sole owner in 2019, it was on life support and I couldn't support myself at all. (I still have the business but it's become a labor of love at this point.) 

I re-entered the work force, and sort of dropped out of the art world. Because after long days taking care of other people's children, I came home and took care of my parent(s), there was no time to take care of myself, much less make art and do social media posts for the business and everything that goes with it. 

I am trying to find a work/family/life balance. I still have the soul of an artist, I can't deny that. But my art has become smaller scaled, "snacks" if you will. During work I would zendoodle on my ipad during breaks. I have a journal where I do zentangling and neurographic doodles. Small art journals where I can collage. This summer I picked up some Diamond Art Painting kits and while they are not exactly creative, they are very relaxing and meditative, which served me well while I recovered from surgery (another story, another time.) 

I still don't know what to do about the business. If I were to be my own therapist, I would tell myself "Self, you are holding onto the business because you don't want to let go of the old Lisa who was a full time artist and business owner (a life I loved.) You don't want to let go of that life you had." Which is dumb because that life also involved a shit marriage and power struggles and low self-esteem and bad energy. 

Every time I want to quit the business my mom talks me into continuing for a little longer, and I do, because myself as therapist would tell me "you feel like quitting the business means you failed and HE would win." Again, stupid, because I don't really give a shit anymore what HE thinks, I have had no contact with my ex for years, I am definitely NOT that person anymore. I just don't have time for it anymore, and I'm ok with that. My life is completely different than it was 8-10 years ago. I've grown, my priorities have changed, and I have to step out of limbo and make some decisions. 

I am slowly transitioning the business over to an etsy shop ("Artistcellarshop") I have had a few best-sellers listed there for nearly a year now, and I am going to move all the stencil designs over eventually and close the shopify shop. It will be cheaper to maintain and not as much work. And when I run out of inventory, that'll be it. Then it will be time to say goodbye to an old friend. 

When fate leads you down a dead end street

This past holiday break an interesting thing happened. Or didn't happen. I don't even know where to begin with this. I vague-booked on Facebook, which I don't do very often because I hate it when others do it. I don't know what to think... except that fate led me down a dead end street.

A New Day on the Horizon

I've always believed that things happen for a reason. Yes, all the crappy things that I had to go through, happened for a reason. At the time, if you told me such, I'd have a few choice words, but it always works out, right?

Let's flip the time-turner back about 10 years... My kiddo starts first grade and it's time for Mom to go back to work, to make use of that very expensive graduate degree. I applied for SO MANY jobs. Every school district within an hour, countless 20 page applications. If you're in the teaching field, you know what I'm talking about. It's not a 'send your resume' type of application... it's a "we want to know every thing about you and what you would do if this happened" type of application. It's all online and the district keeps your application for about a year, let's you know when it expires, and gives you a chance to renew it if you want.

In the time I was raising my baby, President Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act and I was left behind. It turns out that taking 7 years off from teaching is detrimental to getting back into the system. I was a teacher's aide in an ELL classroom, an aide in a special ed classroom, and a long term sub for several special ed teachers, but I never got a "real job" despite the many times I tried. So I quit and started a business, completely unrelated :-)

Life happened. Blah blah blah. Now I'm looking for a part time job while I go to school at night for a SLPA certificate (Speech Language Pathology Assistant) and continue to run the business. 

Back to the present... a week before Christmas, I get an email in my inbox from the Robo system inviting me to apply for a job as a part time special education teacher in a district I'm somewhat familiar with. TEN YEARS after I filled in an application for that district. TEN YEARS. Did I mention nobody keeps applications longer than one or two years max?

I am thinking Holy Moly. Where did THAT come from? It was surely meant to be! 

I went back into the system and spent about 4 hours revising the application to reflect current times, updating creating a new resume, researching the position and the district, etc. Hit SEND. The next day I get a phone call from the principal, inviting me to a phone interview. He said it really looked like I would be a good fit based on my past job experiences.

I was really excited. It was meant to be! Why else would this show up after TEN YEARS out of the system?

We had the phone interview and it went really well. The principal was really easy to talk to and I didn't say anything extra stupid. There was only one incidence where I drew a blank after being put on the spot with a "make up a goal for a student who has this problem" type of question. But he was cool about it. The job was supposed to start right after holiday break and go the rest of the school year. If it went well, a full time hire next year. It was part time, about 8-1:30, which would be ideal because I would still have time to run the business and work on school work. IDEAL, I tell you. A REAL job... as a special education teacher!

At the end of the phone interview he said he'd contact me the next day if I was chosen for an in-person interview with the team. Yeah! I totally got this!

I got the phone call.

"Sorry. We're going in another direction with this. Thanks for your time."

Back Where We Started. 

Crash and Burn. The worst part is... I really believed that this was possible. I wanted it. I visualized it. I imagined what it would be like. Why else would this totally random email show up in my inbox TEN YEARS later, offering such an opportunity?

Maybe the Universe is just F*cking with me again.

This is my brain trying to figure it out.

Scrambled, Poached or Broken? 

My only choice is to believe that it happened for a reason and some day I might know that reason.

Or maybe everything is just Random and nothing really matters.

A Little Shopping Miracle (aka Stitch Fix)

Some of you might know that I hate shopping*. I hate grocery shopping. I avoid shoe shopping for as long as possible. I absolutely detest bra shopping. And clothes shopping is right up there in the top four.

*Books and art supplies not included.

Anyway, very few people know that I am going back to college to get a certificate in SLPA (Speech and Language Pathology Assistant) It's something I needed to do to get my life together (damn thing keeps falling apart!) It will also allow me a more steady income, which will greatly reduce the stress of not ever knowing if I'll be able to pay the mortgage this month. Although the program is at the Community College Level, there is a sense of professionalism expected in the way we act, speak, and dress.

Which made me realize that 95% of my clothing either has holes in them, paint on them, or don't fit very well. When running a business from home, how I look is not a top priority when the only people who see me are... well, no one really. I also suffer from low self-confidence, for various reasons I won't discuss, a therapist helped me unearth. Which led me to a revelation.

Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. When you LOOK good, you FEEL good. Amiright?

I first discovered this during chemo when the American Cancer Society came along with their "Look Good Feel Better" program. Yes. Yes, it works.

I cleaned out my closet. Anything with a hole in it was binned. Anything ill fitting was put in a donation pile. Anything I didn't love anymore thrown in same pile, along with anything I haven't worn in several years for one reason or another. (I kept my date dresses because I believe in miracles and I might need them again.)

Remember the first line of this blog post? I hate shopping. I hate the thought of it. I hate dressing rooms with greenish fluorescent lighting that makes a pale girl look sickly. I hate walking around clothing racks not knowing what would look good, or what goes together, or what will fit. And while my angst grew, I kept seeing an ad on my FB timeline. Like a little nudge or whisper in my ear...

STITCH FIX

Yes, it's like hiring a personal stylist you never have to get naked in front of. How awesome is that? If you're not familiar with Stitch Fix, I'll give you the basics. You take an in-depth "survey" telling what sizes you are, how you like things to fit, what you like to flaunt/hide, what colors and patterns you like, and what sort of pieces you want based on various occasions. You can even tell them what price point you want. Once the stylist gets this information, she picks out 5 pieces of clothing and (if you choose) accessories. You get the box, you try the pieces on, you decide if you love/hate them, you send back what you don't want via a prepaid envelope. You do pay a $20 styling fee, which goes towards any purchase you make. If you decide that you hate everything, you have to pay the $20 anyway, but if you love all five pieces, you get a 25% discount on all the pieces (plus the $20 credit.) So that's the basics.

I filled out the survey and told the stylist I wanted a business casual outfit I could wear to an interview or wear to school for a "student professional" look. And went for it. And waited in anticipation... but seriously, let's face it. My expectations were low, I was prepared to be disappointed, because after all we were clothing this body. About a week later I received my box.

And LOVED everything.

Dammit. LOL. I'll show you...

She sent a beautiful maroon blazer.

A pair of black dress pants (casual leaning, not denim, with a nice front seaming detail.)

An adorable sleeveless polka dot blouse (navy background, white dots, split neck.)

Another cotton blouse in a faded-dot chambray fabric.

And a silver "Statement Necklace"

I tried it all on and it all fit really well (that was really shocking!) So how freaking adorable do I look?

This is the fit with the Chambray top.

Celia always makes me laugh.

The navy polka dotted blouse is something I would have never picked off the rack for myself, but I love it. It's really cute dressed down with jeans too.

So there ya have it. I had to buy everything in the box. Normally I wouldn't have spent money on a necklace because I'm really picky about jewelry and I really don't need any necklaces but this one was cute and it would have cost me more money to just send the necklace back and give up my 25% discount for the rest of the items. So with the styling fee credit and the 25% discount, it was a pretty reasonable price for all the pieces. (No, we are not talking Walmart or Target prices here, we are talking quality business-worthy clothing.) So I was a pretty happy customer and let my stylist know. I also let her know to not send any more jewelry :-)

So let's talk about quality over quantity. You can have a closet stuffed with crappy cheap ill fitting clothes, or you can have half a closet filled with quality well made and well fitting clothes. I am really happy with the quality of these pieces. The blazer is a really heavy knit (bonus because it's really comfortable and stretches instead of pulls across the back.) And it has a most adorable lining, bold black and white stripes vs a boring black nylon lining. One downside, pockets are fake. The pants are really thick fabric, not denim, but not cheap-feeling poly either. It has a nice front seam detail that elongates the leg (says the stylist) and has a skinny fit. Another thing I wouldn't have picked out myself! No pockets either, but I get it because pockets would add bulk (as would the phone you'd want to put in the pocket!) The blouse is a thin flowy fabric, but not see-through. Cool enough for summer days and fall evenings with a jacket over. The Chambray shirt is a nice weight cotton, not too thin, not too thick. The seams are sewn well, the details are nice.

Most importantly, it makes me feel good wearing these pieces. When you look good, you feel good, and it does amazing things to your confidence!

I would totally recommend trying Stitch Fix. It's not for everybody. I've watched some "unboxing videos" on youtube where it didn't quite work out as well as mine did. But you can cancel the service any time, they don't automatically charge you monthly, they only charge when you tell them what you want. (You have three days to try on and decide what to keep/send back.) You decide how often you want a box, or if you just want one on demand for a special occasion. (I like the no obligation/no auto CC charges!)

If you want to try it, I would really appreciate it if you used my referral link:  STITCH FIX
If you refer a friend, you get a $25 credit towards your box, and for me, every little bit counts. And when you get a box, you can use a referral link for credit too :-)

Um, and I may or may not be getting my second box next week :-D

Things You Need to Hear: I Deserve.

I'm taking this class with Effy Wild called Facing Forward II: Things You Need to Hear. I thought it was appropriate. There are LOTS of things I NEED to hear, and I'm working on it.  The theme for the first week was: 

I deserve. 

Boy, I have struggled with this my whole life. I don't think it came from childhood, my parents always made sure I felt loved and had everything I needed, including that set of 64 Prismacolor Colored Pencils and working cameras. I suppose that feeling of not deserving came from adulthood... no one ever directly told me I didn't deserve, but I guess actions always speak louder than words. School, jobs, relationships...

I never felt like I could live up to the expectations of others. 

I was never good enough. I didn't do things right. I didn't look like I  was expected to. I didn't wear the right clothes. I wasn't the right weight. I hung around with the wrong people. I didn't have the right kind of job. I didn't watch the right TV shows. 

It was exhausting. And with each expectation that wasn't met, my self esteem plummeted a little lower, until I developed an attitude of What's the use? Why bother even trying? I can't do anything right. It doesn't matter. After awhile with that attitude, things die inside. The heart breaks, the soul suffers. Thoughts turn into It doesn't matter. I don't matter. 

I don't matter subsequently turns into I don't deserve any better.  

It's taken me about 5 years to declare that utter and complete Bullshit. Of course I matter. If not to myself, then to my daughter, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my dog. I deserve to be loved for who I am, not for who others want me to be. Let me repeat that because it's really important... "I deserve to be loved for who I am, not for who others want me to be." 

I deserve because I am human. 

I deserve to be loved, and to love. 
I deserve to do things that make me happy. 
I deserve to feel joy. 
I deserve abundance. 
I deserve respect. 
I deserve kindness.

I have come a long way the past few years. I have learned a lot about myself, mainly that I matter. I have found my voice again, I have found my confidence again. I have some great friends who support me, a family that loves me. I actually like myself again. I cringe when I think back at all the times I've said I hate myself. I hate my body! 

(Dear Body, I apologize profusely for the way I've treated you in the past. You have been through so much physical and emotional abuse. I appreciate your strength and stamina. You deserve to be loved. And you deserve a lover who treats you with kindness...) 

I think the key is that I no longer feel unworthy of basic human rights. I give myself permission to feel joy, even if the dishes aren't washed or there are dust-puppies in the corner. Even if I weigh more than I should, or would rather take a nap than go for a walk. And I am worthy of respect, from myself and from others. 

I even met a great guy who treats me with the respect I deserve. (He opened the car door for me! Holy crap, when was the last time that happened?!) We are still in the early stages, appreciating the present moment and not placing expectation on the future. We are enjoying each other's company because we both deserve it. 

I think the world would be a better place if people felt like they deserved love. Because then they wouldn't allow others to steal their joy and confidence and respect that they also deserve. If you didn't feel worthy growing up, then feel it now, give it to yourself. You deserve it, I promise. 

And I deserve it. 

P.S. If you are interested in learning more about this class, Effy has generously provided a discount. I am not being paid to promote this, I am doing it out of love :-) 
Facing Forward 2: The Things we Need to Hear.