💦 FULL SET: Id/Friend Krampus - Complete Album!

Well, well, well, what to say about ♥♥♥♥ Head?

The story goes that ♥♥♥♥ Head gets triple-nailed by the biggest ♥♥♥♥♥ imaginable. Then an army of KKKunts abduct his ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ girlfriend. We then play as ♥♥♥♥ Head as… he/she (I mean, there are female penises in the game, so they may well be female. How progressive!) goes on a journey to rescue their spunky spouse.

There are a variety of platforming levels here, from the classic side-scroller, to the Doodle-Jump inspired bouncy meatspin level. The problem is, though, that trying to control ♥♥♥♥ Head made me feel like I actually had ♥♥♥♥♥ for fingers. I played on keyboard, and the amount of times my ♥♥♥♥ Head did not respond to my repeated pokes and strokes… well, it hit pretty close to home. Not to mention the unchangeable control scheme was pretty bollocks. I couldn’t even figure out how to ♥♥♥♥-duck or trouser snake along the ground, leaving much to be desired on the foreskin front.

The levels themselves felt like the programmer spunked on their keyboard, wiped off the semen and submitted the resulting nonsense as their code. Despite slapping my ♥♥♥♥ Head against the medical boxes several times, there was no relief for my turgid, bleeding member, only coins. If I’d wanted to spank the monkey for money, I’d invest in an OnlyFans, not a video game.

Enemy designs are sometimes at odds with the game’s theme, and their placements sometimes literally unavoidable because of the twitchy, unresponsive controls. That’s before I even touch upon the weapons. Apparently ♥♥♥♥ Head isn’t enough of a man-cannon on their own, because they have a menagerie of disappointingly non-♥♥♥♥-themed weapons at their disposal. At least the revolver shoots little sperms, I suppose. And the uzis shoot piss… I think?

All in all, ♥♥♥♥ Head is a ♥♥♥♥-brained parody of Cuphead. Keep it in your pants, lads.