I haven't played this game in two years. I remember it being simple: grab a flashlight, yell the ghost's name, and leave. I logged back in yesterday and I felt like a caveman trying to pilot a space shuttle.

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I don't know who is funding our ghost hunting operation, but we are clearly broke.
* Tier 1 Equipment: Why is my thermometer a literal glass tube I have to squint at? Why is my UV light a tiny glowstick that I have to shake like a maraca to get 3 seconds of light?
* The Flashlight: The starter flashlight is so dim I think it actually makes the room darker. I walked into a wall three times before the ghost even spawned.
* Progression: Apparently, I have to level up to unlock "batteries" and "flashlights that work." I miss the days when I could just buy the strong stuff immediately. Now I have to earn the right to see.

I walked into a room, saw my breath, and marked "Freezing Temperatures." My team yelled at me.
* The Mechanics: Apparently, seeing your breath just means "it's kinda chilly." You have to sit there with the thermometer and wait for the red line to drop.
* The Journal: The book has tabs now. There is a "Media" tab? I tried to take a picture of the ghost and the game told me it was a "2-star photo of a wall." I am being judged by a scrapbook algorithm.
* Ghost Writing: I threw the book down. The ghost threw it back at me. I think that counts as writing, but the game disagrees.

The scariest part of this game isn't the Demon in the basement; it's the Loadout Screen.
* The Store: I tried to buy a lighter. I somehow bought 47 tripods and sold my only camera. The buttons confuse me.
* Auto-Add: I clicked "Auto-Add" thinking it would help. It emptied my bank account instantly. I am now financially ruined by virtual salt.

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3/5 Rusty Flashlights.
The game is better, scarier, and prettier than before. The new maps (like the reworked Farmhouses) look great. But be warned: if you are returning from 2022, you are going to die. A lot. You are basically a level 1 intern with a broken walkie-talkie. Good luck.

I woke up in a prison cell (standard Elder Scrolls start) and realized I wasn't in Stormwind anymore. I expected dragons and shouting. I got dragons and shouting, but also a lot of people trying to sell me carpets in the zone chat.

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In WoW, I have 4 action bars filled with macros. I have a keybind for "Pet Attack," "Mount," and "Eat Bread."
In ESO, I have 5 buttons. That’s it.

* The Rotation: I kept trying to press my big cooldown keys, but nothing happened. You have to swap weapons to get 5 *more* buttons. It’s like playing a rogue, but you have to change your pants in the middle of the fight to use your other dagger.
* Weaving: Apparently, you have to click your mouse between every spell? It’s called "Light Weaving." In WoW, we call that "developing carpal tunnel syndrome."
* The "Killshot": I tried to hit my execute button to finish off a boss. Instead, I interacted with a butterfly. 0/10 immersion.

This "One Tamriel" thing is weird. I walked out as a Level 3 scrub and fought a mudcrab next to a Level 5000 Demi-God who looked like a glowstick.

* Scaling: In WoW, if I walk into a high-level zone, a wolf sneezes on me and I die. In ESO, I can go anywhere. It’s liberating, but also suspicious. Why is this rat as strong as a Daedric Prince?
* Thieving: I accidentally stole a sweetroll off a table and the guards murdered me instantly. The crime system is harsher than the Ban Hammer on the WoW forums.

Here is the trap. The game is playable without a sub... until you pick up a flower.
* The Craft Bag: If you subscribe, you get a magic bag that holds infinite rocks and bugs. If you don't subscribe, you spend 90% of your playtime playing "Inventory Tetris."
* Housing: The housing is amazing. You can buy a castle. In WoW, I just sit on the fountain in Dalaran. Here, I can decorate a house with the skulls of my enemies (and nice curtains).

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4/5 Sweetrolls.
It’s a great game if you want to explore and actually listen to the quests (they are fully voiced!). But be warned: the combat feels floaty, like you are swinging a pool noodle underwater. But hey, at least you can steal cheese wheels.

I bought this game because I needed a break from wiping on raid bosses. I thought, "Hey, a relaxing farming game." I was wrong. This isn't a relaxing game. This is an intense economic optimization simulator disguised as a cute pixel cartoon.

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In WoW, I complain about doing my dailies. In Stardew Valley, I wake up at 6:00 AM sharp, water 400 blueberries, pet 12 chickens, and sprint to the store before it closes at 5:00 PM.

* The Rotation: Instead of 1, 2, 3, 4, my rotation is Hoe, Water, Seed, Water. If I miss a global cooldown, my crops die. The stress is real.
* The Combat: The mines are basically a dungeon crawl. The slimes have aggro ranges. I am hitting them with a sword. I feel at home, except the loot is rocks instead of Epics.
* Fishing: This is the hardest boss mechanic I have ever faced. Forget the Lich King; trying to catch a Sturgeon requires more focus than a Mythic raid.

The social system is weird. In other games, I gain reputation by killing the enemies of a faction. Here, I gain reputation by handing people raw eggs and mayonnaise twice a week.

* The Wizard: There is a Wizard. He doesn't give me quests to save the world; he just wants void essence. I respect his hustle.
* The Romance: I decided to marry Abigail because she eats rocks. That is the kind of tank-like constitution I look for in a partner.
* Linus: He is the best NPC. He lives in a tent and eats trash. I trust him with my life.

I have a great gaming PC, and I am using it to play a game that looks like it runs on a Super Nintendo. And honestly? It’s beautiful.
* No Lag: I can plant 500 pumpkins and my framerate doesn't drop. Take notes, modern AAA developers.
* The Vibe: It’s charming. It makes me want to move to the country and learn what a "turnip" actually is.

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5/5 Blue Chickens.
I started playing this to relax. Now I have a spreadsheet open on my second monitor to calculate the gold-per-day profit margins of Ancient Fruit wine. It has consumed my soul. If you like seeing numbers go up but are tired of Orcs yelling at you, play this.