💎 PREMIUM: Id/hnrbanhammer - Full Archive

TriHard 7

I sexually Identify as a Kalashnikova Avtomat. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of being held by terrorists dropping hot bloody leads on disgusting Americans. People say to me that a person being an assault rifle is Impossible and I’m ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install recoil springs, 7.62 mm magazines and GP-25 Kostyor Grenade launchers on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Kalash” and respect my right to kill from the jungles and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a kalashniphobe and need to check your gun rights. Thank you for being so understanding.

CREDITS ROLL

Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. 31 QUEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, [SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him] with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobs] Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. Fade out. Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE

FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. CHARMING [snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG] Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad![sobbing] PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona...

SHREK exits PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA 30 SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken.