Let me be absolutely clear from the beginning: Guns & Balls is a fantastic game. It is a chaotic, fast paced, absurdly fun experience that fuses twin stick shooting with marble physics in a way I didn't even know I needed. The controls are tight, the gunplay is satisfying, and the ball mechanics, ricocheting, are gloriously polished. It’s vibrant. It’s creative. It’s addictive.

But I need to talk to the developers directly now. Please do not put spiders in this game. Ever.

Let me explain. I have a long standing, frankly embarrassing fear of spiders. It’s not rational. I know that. Most of them are harmless. They’re good for the ecosystem. Some people even like them. But me? No. I see one and my soul attempts to exit my body. I’m not talking about a little shudder or a gasp. I mean full-body panic, hair standing on end, involuntary sounds of despair escaping my throat. My legs turn to jelly. I once burned a pair of pants because a spider crawled on them. That’s the level we’re talking about.

Now back to Guns & Balls, a game that, thankfully, is spider-free… for now. I have played 26 minutes (and counting), and never once have I encountered anything with eight legs. I check. Constantly. Every time I enter a new level, I scan the environment like I’m performing a tactical sweep. I go full SWAT team mode. It’s exhausting. But the game keeps rewarding me with wonderful surprises: creative maps, absurd weapons (the Bouncing Bazooka is a personal favorite), and a delightful multiplayer mode that had me and my friends shouting and laughing in equal measure.

But still, every time the game updates, I freeze. My stomach drops. What if this is the one? What if, for Halloween, the devs decide to “spice things up” with a festive arachnid enemy? What if some boss level features a “spider queen ball” that spews silk and legs and nightmares? You might think I’m overreacting, but it’s happened before in other games. Seemingly innocent titles that turned into eight legged trauma factories overnight. It always starts the same: “minor seasonal update,” and boom, we have arachnids. Crawling. Jumping. Climbing walls.

Which is why, despite how much I adore Guns & Balls, I approach every patch note with the same grim determination I imagine a soldier reads an encrypted communique. I scour Reddit threads. I search for keywords. “Spider.” “Insect.” “Creepy.” “New enemy type.” I will not be caught off-guard. I have even gone so far as to contact the dev team on Discord (twice) to politely request arachnid abstinence. I don’t think they understood the seriousness of my tone.

Let’s be honest: this game doesn’t need spiders. It thrives on its cartoonish violence, explosive chaos, and creative physics puzzles. There’s something immensely satisfying about launching a flaming bowling ball into a stack of dynamite crates while fending off enemies with a paintball shotgun. It’s absurd in all the right ways. There’s whimsy. There’s charm. There’s not a single reason to add eight legged hellspawn.

Graphically, the game pops. It’s colorful and kinetic without being overwhelming. The physics engine is genuinely impressive, balls roll and bounce with satisfying weight and unpredictability, and environmental destruction is both functional and fun. The levels have a real playground feel to them, encouraging experimentation and replayability. I love it here. It’s a good place. A safe place.

As long as it stays spider-free.

Even the soundtrack slaps. An eclectic mix of electronic beats and chaotic percussion that somehow perfectly complements the ricocheting madness of ball-based warfare. There’s a real sense that the developers care, and that’s what scares me. Because caring developers sometimes get “creative ideas.” And sometimes those ideas have eight legs.

Let me propose alternatives, dear devs. Instead of spiders, may I suggest:

Mutant squirrels?

Angry mushrooms?

Sentient toasters?

Anything with 2–6 legs?
Even a jellyfish. I could handle a jellyfish.

Anyway, back to the point. Guns & Balls is one of the most enjoyable indie games I’ve played this year. It’s clever, it’s polished, and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes action, creativity, and the kind of gameplay where something stupid and brilliant happens every five seconds.

But if spiders are added, I will uninstall so fast your servers will register it as a rage quit tsunami. Please. Don’t ruin this for me.

Rating: 9.5/10 — Ball-blasting brilliance. Minus half a point for the constant fear that one day I’ll log in and see something crawling.

If a spider does appear, please implement an “arachnophobia mode” where it’s replaced by, say, a balloon with sunglasses. Thank you.

freaking epic