THE SHREDDED CHEESE MAN
White Oak, Ohio, United States


You are an idiot.

Your midnight cravings allowed you to be tempted by the shredded cheese man.
You have satisfied your hunger, but at what cost? Do not allow yourself to fall for such tricks. Educate yourself about the dangers of shredded cheese.

This unidentified man has been attempting to lure people into the refrigerator during the hours of two to four am mountain time by offering most notably shredded cheese . He has also been sighted tempting victims with raw sticks of butter, dry rigatoni, and a brick. If you see him, immediately contact the Federal Bureau of Shredded Cheese Man Containment. Do not fall for his tactics, for he is but an illusion. What should you do if you suspect your refrigerator has been possessed by the shredded cheese man? Fortunately for you, there are multiple options.

However, be warned. Do not attempt to destroy or move the refrigerator , such as by C4 explosive or 120mm depleted uranium sabot round. After it has been altered by the shredded cheese man, the refrigerator will become indestructible and immovable. If you attempt to tamper with a possessed refrigerator in any way, you will scream. Your first line of defense is to try to ignore the cheese man. He is not real. He is merely a projection of your mind. No matter how scary he is, he will never be able to manifest himself in a physical form unless you allow yourself to indulge in the mirage of midnight shredded cheese. He will try harder each night to tempt you. You will have to resist his increasingly alluring offers.

Do not ever open the refrigerator door when you know he is there ; once he appears, his temptations will become irresistible, and your fate will have been determined. You may attempt to prevent the shredded cheese man from materializing by constantly maintaining eye contact with your refrigerator. However, if you choose this path, you cannot look away from the refrigerator unless there is someone else to take your place. There must always be a set of eyes on the refrigerator , for the second you look away, the shredded cheese man will appear and commit insurance fraud.

If all else fails, you must immediately leave the area . You are not safe . He will follow you everywhere, no matter how remote your location is. Move frequently, for he is always searching. He can be observed driving a really sick 1988 Nissan 2000 Skyline GTS-R. If you see him outside your house, know that your time on this mortal plane is limited. Do not approach the vehicle .

Remember, he is not real, and you are merely hallucinating his physical presence as he attempts to possess your mind and take your body as a physical vessel to the tangible world. You are a nomad now. You cannot avoid the shredded cheese man. You live off the land and never settle. Was this limitless life of freedom worth the sacrifice of shredded cheese? You do not have time to consider this, for you must now move again. Is this how life was meant to be lived? You cannot remember the last time you worried about something, except for the shredded cheese man of course. But you cannot have everything.

You yearn for the open road. You know the entire world like the back of your hand. The earth is your backyard. With this knowledge, you begin visit people’s houses and disappear at will. You have experienced the quirks and hallmarks of every culture in every corner of human civilization. But you want more. This limiting physical existence holds you back. You now have the overwhelming desire to lure people into the indefinite limbo of transitional space so that you may create a copy of your consciousness and populate the world with other people’s bodies that have your mind.

Indeed, you are now the shredded cheese man.
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You are an idiot.

Your midnight cravings allowed you to be tempted by the shredded cheese man.
You have satisfied your hunger, but at what cost? Do not allow yourself to fall for such tricks. Educate yourself about the dangers of shredded cheese.

This unidentified man has been attempting to lure people into the refrigerator during the hours of two to four am mountain time by offering most notably shredded cheese . He has also been sighted tempting victims with raw sticks of butter, dry rigatoni, and a brick. If you see him, immediately contact the Federal Bureau of Shredded Cheese Man Containment. Do not fall for his tactics, for he is but an illusion. What should you do if you suspect your refrigerator has been possessed by the shredded cheese man? Fortunately for you, there are multiple options.

However, be warned. Do not attempt to destroy or move the refrigerator , such as by C4 explosive or 120mm depleted uranium sabot round. After it has been altered by the shredded cheese man, the refrigerator will become indestructible and immovable. If you attempt to tamper with a possessed refrigerator in any way, you will scream. Your first line of defense is to try to ignore the cheese man. He is not real. He is merely a projection of your mind. No matter how scary he is, he will never be able to manifest himself in a physical form unless you allow yourself to indulge in the mirage of midnight shredded cheese. He will try harder each night to tempt you. You will have to resist his increasingly alluring offers.

Do not ever open the refrigerator door when you know he is there ; once he appears, his temptations will become irresistible, and your fate will have been determined. You may attempt to prevent the shredded cheese man from materializing by constantly maintaining eye contact with your refrigerator. However, if you choose this path, you cannot look away from the refrigerator unless there is someone else to take your place.