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I'm telling you, this guy is like a walking action movie stuntman, but with zero regard for his own safety. I saw him at a Costco the other day, loading up on 40-packs of toilet paper and 10-gallon jugs of ranch dressing. I asked him why he needed so much, and he looked at me like I was the crazy one and said, 'It’s for my ultimate survival kit, man. You never know when you’ll need a soft landing and a dipping sauce to survive the apocalypse.' Then he jumped onto a cart and rode it out the door, leaving nothing but empty aisles and a lingering smell of garlic. If you think you're good at shopping, you've never seen this guy in action. He’s the king of bulk buys and chaos.

This guy is as unstoppable as he is intense. I saw him at a gym the other day with a duffel bag full of protein shakes and crossword puzzles. When I asked him about the puzzles, he said, "They’re how I stay ten steps ahead of everyone else." Then he did a one-handed pull-up while solving a clue, nodded, and walked off like it was just another Tuesday. If you think you’re impressive, you’ve clearly never gone head-to-head with him, because he’s operating in a league of his own.

I'm telling you, this dude is as cracked as he is jacked. I saw him at a 7-11 the other day and he was buying cases of Redbull and adult diapers. I asked him what the diapers were for and he said, "they help contain my full power so I don't completely $hit on these kids" and then he bunny hopped out the door, if you think you're good at fps games then you've probably never played against this dude before, because he's just that good.