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lately i have had somewhat a problem with myself. im going to legally become an adult in early february, and so far i have nothing to show for it. nothing to put on my resume to get a job to invest in myself when i go out to the real world. no set plans. and yea i hear people "its okay to not have it all figured out at your age" but what if i end up falling behind?? like i fear i already am. im starting to feel my shitty past self coming back to bite me in the ass. it doesnt feel good. i feel like i set myself up for failure without realziing it and no matter how hard i try to be the best version of myself, i dont know what else there is to do.

i also cant remember the last time i was hugged irl by someone who wasnt a family member. high school has been a mess. ive been a mess. i discover that i have practically no real friends in high school.

though i did have a lot of respect for this one senior that graduated last year and he hugged me when he came back to vist my school so thats something, i seirously hope he does excellent in whatever he ends up pursuing. he deserves it.

i, for one, dont feel like i do. im too retarded. even with my best intentions i feel like all the good deeds i try to do, the good motives i try to have, are all in vain.

to back track to falling behind financially, i also cant stand living with my family anymore. theyve put me through enough shit mentally and emotionally and i just wanna dip. never to see a lot of them again.

i dont know what im to do anymore. without animation or art, im nothing. just an npc. possibly a future hobo. and i hate knowing that and having to just go along with knowing that i may never succeed in my craft. for the time being, all i can do is distract myself with things that boost my dopamine, adrenaline and stimulation levels.

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

P.S. if youre planning on having kids and you live in new york, get the fuck out of there.