Bring a “plus one” only if the invitation allows it

“Weddings are expensive. Only those whose names are on the envelope are invited,” says Terrica Skaggs, chief planner and designer at Cocktails & Details, which creates destination Southern weddings. She advises guests to study their invitation carefully. If the invitation isn’t specifically addressed to you and a guest, plan on attending solo. Under no circumstances should you write in an extra “line” on your RSVP card to add a date or kids.

And let’s talk about kids for a minute. Every wedding is different when it comes to preferences about children, but usually the invitation will say if your children are invited. If there is no information about children or the details aren’t specified, reach out to the couple at least a month in advance to ask about age limits, what parts of the wedding they prefer kids to come to and if any accommodations (like an on-site sitter or nursing room) are available. Proper wedding etiquette means not bringing children of any age to an adults-only wedding unless you have explicit permission from the bride and groom.

Honor your RSVP

Unless you are at death’s door (or super contagious), once you commit, you have to show up, says Parker. It’s also bad wedding etiquette to try to change a “no” to a “yes” and show up at the last minute or to bring along anyone who wasn’t on the RSVP card.

Stick to the dress code

Not all weddings have a dress code, and there’s a huge variety of wedding guest attire out there, but if the couple does note the dress code, follow it. “The important thing is to match the tone to avoid calling undue attention to oneself,” says Parker. “It’s a common mistake to be too extravagant or over-the-top for a casual wedding or to dress too casually at a highly formal wedding.” Here are a few points to keep in mind, according to Parker and Gladstone.

• Unless you are specifically told to, women should never wear white, no matter what your dress looks like.
• To be safe, you should also avoid wearing white to bridal showers, engagement parties, bachelorette parties, dress-shopping outings, rehearsal dinners and bridesmaid brunches.
• Wear appropriate footwear for beach and outdoor weddings.
• Jeans are never appropriate for either gender, unless it is specifically written on the invitation card.
• Dress respectfully for the setting—especially if the wedding is being held at a religious venue that may have its own dress codes.

Give an appropriate gift

It’s poor wedding etiquette for a couple to demand gifts, but it is still expected that guests will bring a wedding gift when attending, unless the couple has specifically asked them not to. Here are some guidelines for giving an appropriate wedding gift, according to Parker.

• Choose something thoughtful and unique but not highly personal. (Not sure what that is? Check the couple’s registry.)
• Gifts should be for the couple and not for the individual you associate with.
• Gifts should be sent before the wedding or shortly after.
• For destination weddings, the gifts should be sent before the wedding, to their home, so the new couple doesn’t have to worry about transporting everything back.
• There is no minimum or maximum dollar amount to spend, but this is a time to be generous; consider what you can personally afford, as well as your relationship with the couple.
• Making a donation in their name, to a charity the couple favors, is a good gift if the couple has indicated they would like this; otherwise, don’t go this route.
• Cash gifts used to be seen as gauche, but these days, cash is welcomed and often preferred.
• Do not give highly personal or intimate items, gifts intended to address a lack of skill (like a cookbook or weight-loss gadget) or anything offensive.
• Do not regift.

Don’t take pictures of the ceremony with your phone

The couple has likely hired a photographer and/or videographer to document their day, and this is one thing you want to leave to the pros, says Parker. Trying to snap your own pictures or videos—particularly of critical moments, like the first kiss or the cake cutting—can ruin the shot for the pros, as well as ruin the view for other guests. Plus, it may mean the couple won’t get the wedding pictures they really want.

Be respectful when taking personal pics

Unless you’re told that no pictures are allowed, it’s generally fine to take some personal pictures on your phone during non-formal parts of the wedding, like the reception afterward, says Parker. Just make sure the professional photographer isn’t going for the same shot and you’re not in the way. And certainly don’t kneel in the aisle, push to the front or otherwise impede the wedding or celebration to get a picture.

Follow social media rules

When it comes to wedding etiquette, social media is a factor many may overlook. But take note: Unless the couple specifically asks guests to post pictures to social media or their wedding site, do not post any photos from a wedding on social media until after the couple does, says Parker. And do not livestream the event under any circumstances. Also, make sure to follow any other social media guidelines the couple may have, such as using a specific hashtag, tagging the bride and groom, or not posting the location. Wedding etiquette goes both ways, of course, and the couple themselves should follow these rules to make sure the day is a pleasant experience for their guests too.

Keep negative opinions to yourself

You’re not going to be wild about every wedding you attend, but complaining to other guests or the couple is a huge breach of wedding etiquette, says Parker. While this is true for any event, it’s particularly important to be respectful of the couple’s choices at something as personal as their wedding. So whether it’s something small like a flower choice, bridesmaids dresses or the garter belt tradition, or something bigger like a same-sex ceremony or unconventional vows, keep your thoughts to yourself—in person and online. And no one wants to hear your thoughts about whether the bride should really be wearing white.

If you have a legitimate complaint about something to do with the service, like an issue with the food or venue, talk discreetly to the wedding planner or the on-site manager. Don’t bother the couple or their family, and don’t make a scene, says Parker.

Don’t steal the spotlight

Guests making a huge announcement at someone else’s nuptials is such a breach of wedding etiquette that it’s become meme-worthy. The day should be about celebrating the couple, so skip proposals and announcements of engagements or pregnancies, even if you really think the couple would be OK with it, says Jacobson.

“The big public announcements are often done to compete for views and likes on social media, which makes them doubly problematic,” says Parker. “A wedding is considered one of the biggest events in most people’s lives, so avoid doing anything that will take the focus away from them.”

Party responsibly