What PornDude Shop sells are unlicensed dildos modeled after my penis, as seen on PornDudeCasting. It's a proprietary blend of herbs, spices and household chemicals developed in my kitchen as a Viagra substitute, or a mass-produced version of a homemade trainer made in my garage. Unfortunately, my powerful legal team vetoed most of these ideas. Instead, it's decorated with lots of safe trinkets and props, as well as a beautiful mug that's been a favorite of mine for years-my own mug.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen and absolute pervs, the Porn Dude Shop (dot com) is the only place where you can buy officially licensed PornDude merchandise. We've been thinking about setting up a little store for a while now, and we thought now would be a good time, especially with all the attention we've been getting lately from PornDudeCasting. I thought it was the perfect opportunity, especially since it's been in the spotlight on PornDudeCasting lately. Otherwise, there are some really great porn castings out there. Anyway, even if you're a newbie, listen to my various sex acts, they'll make you feel like a million bucks, so let's take a look.

A fair look at my awesomeness.

I know what you're thinking. I've always prided myself on ThePornDude, my unbiased reviews of the best (and worst) adult sites on the Internet, from free lesbian tubes to tentacled hentai libraries to premium networks of teen porn sites. How can I expect to be impartial when I view my own legs, my own breasts, my own vagina, and my own product with my own face captured on that place where I rest in the middle of the night. Honestly, there's no way to avoid this bias.

But sometimes it's good to toot your own horn. If you missed these holidays, let PornDudeCasting's couches showcase the world-class beauties they've been fucking lately. Over the past few weeks, we've broken out world-famous porn stars Gia Derza and Gianna Dior. These two should have been taken earlier. We also filmed Natasha Nasey and Lauren Phillips, and we gave legendary MILF Katie Morgan her first on-screen dick in the ass.

Even before I fucked the most beautiful women in the world, I had made a name for myself as a critic of pornography. Some of you have seen me over the years on my pornography journey, from celebrity blogs and comic book collections to interracial anal sites, from Hustler to Wired to MelMagazine, working regularly with various news organizations. I get inquiries and am asked to give my scholarly opinion on pornography in general.

What I'm trying to say is that I know I'm pretty damn cool, and I know you do too, and I wouldn't have opened a "PornDude Shop" if it weren't for the requests to put my face on T-shirts. But I've done something even better: the PornDudeShop offers a wide range of licensed merchandise, including clothing, mugs, pillows, iPhone cases and stickers, as well as the ability to wear PornDude on your chest. We have a lot more to offer, but you'll have to stop by to see what else we have to offer.

Porn Dude Gear pumps all day and all night.

Let's talk gear - PornDudeShop sells stuff you can use all day long. If you don't sleep naked, you can safely tuck your nighttime erection into Porn Dude Island Boxer Briefs and lay your head on the official Porn Dude Casting Pillow. (Yes, these are the same ones you see on the set. However, you get a whole new one. Porn star pussy juice is not available for home use).

Wake up, wipe your sleepy eyes and cock, and you'll get your erection pills, coffee straight from the official mug. Wrap up your morning cup of coffee in kinky heaven at ThePornDude.com, and you'll look your best. These mugs are available at Porn Dude, where you can enjoy my face with your drink during any meal. I also have a good supply of cum.

Once you've had enough caffeine and your dick is at full power, it's time to get dressed for the day, and PornDudeShop.com offers six different Porn Dude Island designs, including the aforementioned Porn Dude Island, Porn Dude pose and simple but elegant logo on your boob area, and PornDude T-Shirt Designs to choose from. If it's chilly where you live, you can also buy a sweatshirt with the same graphic.

And don't forget the socks. Wearing shoes without socks makes NIKE smell like a rotting gym, but the official Porn Dude Emoji Socks are hygienic and can be changed daily to keep your feet fresh, clean and dry.These socks are the exact same socks I wear when I do porn stars on PornDudeCasting. I'm not saying these socks will give you better pussy, but they're definitely a few steps better than the Fruit-the-Loom knockoffs you can buy at Wish.

With the phone cases sold at the Porn Bastard Shop, I can carry my image with me wherever I go. I currently have one for iPhones and Samsung Galaxies, but that may change. If you don't have one that fits your current phone, don't worry, you can still buy official Porn Dude stickers to decorate your flip phone or whatever. They also look great on anything you can stick on a flat surface, like fresh lights, cylinders, guitars, windowless vans, etc.

My face is on your door, cheapskate.

How much do Porn Dude pads, Dude Island mugs and official Porn Dude casting cushions cost: $100, $1,000, $1 million, just kidding. Sure, we're not exactly a dollar store, but you're at PornDudeShop.com The prices you'll find don't break the bank. For less than a month on a pay site, you can walk away with my face on your feet. Plus, you'll get a brand new pair of socks, and they won't get ruined by my cum, as sometimes happens between washes.

The fairies at the Pornoman store ship their merchandise anywhere in the world. That may change in the future, but so far I have not been banned or outlawed by any arrogant country that complains about ThePornDude. So, if nothing changes, you can order my socks, boxers, pillows and everything else, no matter what part of the world you masturbate to.

While browsing PornDudeShop.com for this review, to be fair, I was looking for some shit to complain about. And my only complaint is that the selection could have been a little more extensive - no Porn Dude dildo yet, but I've taken some shots of my gibbet cock, so we'll see what comes of that. (My lawyer said no to erectile pills, rectal syringes of vodka, and dick-stretching pulleys.) However, if you have anything you'd like me to sell at the Porn Dude store, let me know.

Some people may think my job is to masturbate for a few minutes every day, but I'm a busy man. Every day I browse new porn sites, make videos for PornDudeCasting and develop merchandise for PornDudeShop.com, so I have very little time to relax with the bishop. My fans are excited and happy about the porn I find and star in. If you ever want to show your support for me or let the world know you have great taste, imagine how nice it would be to wear this official paraphernalia.