Ah, teenage girls. I'm getting older, but they stay the same age. And unlike you fat, single virgins, I do have sex with them. I don't care that they don't live with their mothers, or that they don't smell like king crab shells, or that their dicks are over three inches long, all I need is tweezers, a magnifying glass and a teen section on PornHub and I can look at their asses, pussies and as many other holes as I want.

This site is excellent, and I use it when I'm too lazy to go to high school or pick up some sexy butcher with an ass that's a little big for my little jean shorts. It's a little different than the innocent virgins and slutty cheerleaders who serve you cock and beg you to shoot off, but I realize not everyone is as lucky as I am. Some get fucked, some don't. So if you don't want to risk getting a restraining order or spend the rest of your life on the sex offender registry copying me and picking up teenage girls (that won't help you, I promise), this will be your next best bet.

This site has been around for a long time, and experienced masturbators like you are probably familiar with it. However, in recent years, many people seem to overlook it. Because the site has been around for so long, some people give it up and move on, thinking that a better alternative has emerged. I can understand that logic, but in this case it is not. Your Mother has been around for a long time, and I haven't given up on her yet, so why should you give up on PornHub. Sure, she may not be as hot as she used to be, but there must be something about being desperate for cock.

If you're lucky, the videos on this site might even give you a few tricks you can use on real teenage girls. This is a joke. Sorry to be reassuring, but an 18-year-old slut will only fuck my balls if you pay her, and you can't afford it in a minimum-wage fast-food joint. Besides, the smell of burgers and fries left on your forehead will make her so disgusted that she'll throw up anyway.

So kill your dreams, give up your illusions and jump in. Lose hope, and you'll find that life is more bearable.

This is exactly what a porn site should be like.

PornHub is no joke. Most people have no idea how the site behind porn is set up, but it's impressive and intentional. The site is so powerful and easy to use that you can easily find the porn you want as if it were hiding in the background. Like the weird fetish stuff born out of childhood trauma: whatever happened to you as a teenager, if you can only blow girls half your age, that's your own problem, and we're not here to judge you, we're here to laugh at you.

PornHub Teen is focused on porn, just like any other porn site, just like you. There's a lot to see on this site, but if you don't want to put any effort into the masturbation experience (as opposed to other aspects of your life), you'll do just fine scrolling through and watching videos at random.

Just admire all those hot young bodies you couldn't, and still can't, touch when you were younger. Wipe away your tears and check out this site to reminisce about your lost youth and wallow in melancholy. You will see high quality videos in large thumbnails. Click on one you like, watch it, wipe the juice off the back of your desk and repeat it until you die. You can do it, can't you.

For those with discerning tastes.

Oh, you can't, the good folks at PornHub do their best to make it as easy as possible, and they've gone to great lengths to create a site that even you can work with, but it's still not enough.

It's okay if you can stop looking at miniatures of 90-pound teenagers getting dicks twice as long and three times as thick as yours, you'll find depth in the sorting and filtering tools on this site.

One of the unique features that sets this site apart from the competition is the ability to filter all content between professional and amateur. If you want to see passionate, loving and raw sex that you'll never experience, you can choose only amateur pornography with just a few clicks. And if you want to see beautiful women who would never watch you get raped by a 6-foot-tall professional athlete, set your filter to professional.

But that's not enough. You need more control, your dick is beaten up from years of abuse, you need something weird and unique and crazy, not just something, and you should talk to a therapist to get to the root of it.But you'll be just as disgusted with them as everyone else, so the detailed and powerful PornHub Teen and Better play around with the filters.

You can combine any number of these filters to create the exact scenario that has been playing out in your mind since you first started masturbating. If you are a relatively normal person, you only need to collect a few basic ones. For example, let's say you can't forget the pretty brunette girl in math class 12, but you haven't seen her alone without a boyfriend since you gave her a blow job on the back of your shirt while standing in line at Starbucks. Combine just a few tags, and you can find a teenage girl who looks indistinguishably like herself-until she gets arrested again and starts hating herself and getting depressed.

But the real power of the PornHub Teen tool is that it uncovers incredibly perfect videos that your brain can't even imagine. You want to see four teenagers with asses as fat as yours servicing megastudios. That's easy. Just don't beat yourself up too much when you find out I'm in the video. Not everyone can live like me, you can't. Give up, put your head down, let your senses sink in and enjoy porn.

Behind the velvet curtain.

But there's more under the surface of PornHub Teen if you're willing to open your wallet. Productive people reading this should have no problem - PornHub Premium, at about $10 a month, is one of the best deals in the world, but it may take a little ingenuity to open that Holy Grail. Ideally, you should either work a couple more shifts or stop driving to the gas station a couple of times a month to buy Tendy and Mountain Dew.

Next time you pick up your mom for "dinner," borrow one of her credit cards. It's so cheap that your mom might not even notice. Especially when you consider that your precious babe is spending her hard-earned money watching girls who are too young to drive stick their dicks down her throat, withdrawing money under an inconspicuous name so your mom won't know. If you get caught, she might spank you. But you'll thank me for that later.