Say “Hi, doll” to Hydoll, a company making the kind of lady-shaped playthings that you’d never buy for your niece. Well, most people wouldn’t, but I guess the dolls might have some educational value if you try hard enough. They are anatomically correct, after all. Honestly, though, I bet very few of you will be willing to share these toys with anyone else. The last time I loaned out a love doll, she came back with her vagina full of dried-out, crusty sperm. I spent a whole day cleaning her out, and I’m no longer on speaking terms with my dad.

Hydoll.com was founded in 2016, and they’ve since become one of the most popular purveyors of super-realistic sex dolls. They’ve shipped nearly 20,000 units now, which doesn’t sound like the hugest number until you consider the size, cost, and quality of these life-size fuck bags. It isn’t like they’re moving units of little-dick dildos modeled after your own micropenis; these things are a serious investment of time, effort, and money. That said, these guys do offer a range of products, and some of them might be right within your budget. My homemade sex-bot project sent me to the ER again last weekend, so I’m checking out the site today, hoping I’ll find something a little safer and a lot sexier. Wish me luck!

Even Better Than My Girl, Karen

If any of you guys have been tuning in to watch me bang pornstars over at PornDudeCasting, you may be familiar with Karen, who’s usually chilling off to the right of my casting couch. She was advertised as having a fuckable face, and bonable fake twat, which I guess is technically true. Last week, Paige Owens stopped by and pushed Karen’s head onto my cock. If I’m being honest, it was certainly a type of sensation, but that’s about all I can say about it.

The thing is, Karen’s just your old-fashioned blowup doll. And sure, there are dudes who mess with these things, but let’s be honest: they’re often a gag gift between guys with a pervy sense of humor. I’d never be able to pop a boner just looking at her. Not a single part of Karen looks, feels, or fucks realistic.

That isn’t the case with Hydoll, who seems to have been bred somewhere in the uncanny valley. Their dead eyes and sometimes inhuman sheen gives them away as synthetic, but goddamn, these fake bitches are hot! They’re built with pretty faces and shapely bodies, which cover the whole damn front page of the site.

When realistic sex dolls first hit the market, the options were limited. These days, you may just find your dream girl in sex doll form on Hydoll, in stock and ready to ship. There’s a wide variety of fake women and some men and disembodied sex torsos. The selection on just the front page includes tiny, flat-chested 100cm 18+ teens, huge-breasted thick chicks, sultry anime girls, big-booty goddesses, and Asian beauties.

Choosing between hundreds of Hydolls could be overwhelming, but the site is designed to easily help you find your ideal doll. Tabs in the header let you browse by body type, including BBW, Pregnant, and Big Booty; Race, which includes American, Asian, Black, Anime, and Robot; Material, either TPE or silicone; as well as height, breast size, or price. If you’re already familiar with realistic sex dolls, you can also browse by brand. They’ve got dolls from a big handful of manufacturers. These include Aotume, FJ Doll, Irontechdoll, 6YE, and Aibei.

If you’ve been doing any homework about buying a realistic sex doll, I’m sure you’ve read a bit about the logistics of shipping a sex doll. They typically ship out of Asia, which means you’ve got some wait times to look forward to, not to mention some potential import fees. But if you’re in a serious hurry to get your new toy, you could always browse Hydoll.com’s selection of local dolls. They’ve got a limited selection of dolls in the US and Australia, ready to start making the journey your way ASAP.

How Much is That Sex Doll in the Window?

Unless you’ve got some seriously fat pockets, buying a Hydoll is kind of a big decision. This isn’t going to be an impulse purchase. The price will be one of your very foremost concerns for many of you. Hey, I feel you, which is why I started browsing the catalog by price. I was pleasantly surprised by some of the offerings filed under Cheap Sex Dolls, starting at around $379 USD. If you just need a fuckable silicone torso, there’s one available for under a hundred.

There’s a bit of a catch, though: all the $379 models are tiny. So if you’d prefer a full-sized woman to a silicone hentai doll, you can expect to pay at least $700 on the low end. At the opposite end of the spectrum, the most expensive female love doll I found on Hydoll.com was a $3,354 babe with a whole lot of customization options. (There’s also a male doll for $3,988.) If cost is not an issue, you really can have your dream girl made from scratch, hand-selecting features like skin tone, eye color, hair, breasts, and pubes. You can even add a ding-dong if you want your own futanari living under your bed.

And since we’re on the topic of price, it’s probably a good time to mention the shipping. Their shipping page talks about the usual issues like import duties and taxes and then gets a bit vague about the actual cost of shipping. Naturally, it will depend on things like your location, the doll’s location, and whether you want expedited shipping, but free shipping is available in many cases. They use DHL, FedEx, and UPS.

Hydoll.com has a pretty standard return policy for a sex doll site. They list a “Satisfaction guarantee,” which doesn’t guarantee your satisfaction at all but does guarantee your doll shows up in good, fuckable condition. There are no refunds unless your doll arrives fucked-up on arrival. I’m guessing they use the phrase “Satisfaction guarantee” because the whole site is written in broken Asian English, not because they’re bastards trying to rip you off. The no-real-refunds policy is stated clearly enough.

(Engrish can sometimes be a warning sign that you’re looking at a crappy site, but Hydoll.com is a legit sex doll shop with a solid reputation. If you’ve been shopping around, you’ve probably noticed this isn’t the only sex-doll shop with bad English. You may have also noticed that the Asian stores tend to have much cheaper products than American outfits like RealDoll. But then again, don’t let me get in your way if better website copywriting is worth thousands of extra bucks to you.)

How About Some Bonus Head?

A high-end love doll is a very personal purchase and, for most people, a significant investment. I recommend getting the best doll you can afford, with the features you’d want in a TPE girlfriend, rather than just trying to find the cheapest thing on the menu. Of course, you’re probably going to be banging her for a while. That said, Hydoll offers some decent promos worth looking out for, which may help net you an even better bang for your buck.

As it is, they’ve got a nice little bonus tacked onto the new silicone sex dolls. These are some of the nicest products on the site, with plenty of customization options and a price to match. They start at $3,145, but the current promo gets you an extra head, an extra wig, some bonus lingerie, and a free gel ass. There’s also a promo code listed at the top of the screen for anybody to get $50 off a purchase of $999. It isn’t the biggest discount, but every cent counts when you’ve been saving your allowance this long.

I think I might be saving my allowance a little longer. I’m not ashamed to admit that today’s tour of Hydoll.com got me a little obsessed with one of their 160cm big-titty silicone models, who may be coming to live with me soon. So if you’re in the market for a high-end sex doll, I definitely recommend keeping this site on your shortlist. The selection is fucking fantastic, and the prices aren’t bad. So maybe you don’t have to be alone anymore.