JoyLoveDolls! There comes a time in every man’s life when he’s ready to step up his masturbation game. Sure, the free tubes and premium sex sites I review here have some of the best porn in the world, available at the click of a mouse. Sometimes, though, staring at a hot slut getting railed on the screen just ain’t enough. You can book an escort for the night on my list of escort sites, or you can go all-in and buy yourself a sweet fuck doll from a website like JoyLoveDolls.

The world of hyper-realistic sex dolls has been expanding and evolving like crazy ever since RealDolls first hit the scene a couple of decades ago. JoyLoveDolls.com is one of the newer players in the game. Still, according to the blurb on their About Us page, they’re the “Fastest Growing Realistic Sex Doll Retailer Who Has Already Gained Substantial Marketshare And Trust Among the Sex Doll Industry.” They get a quarter of a million visits a month, which ain’t bad for a site hawking genuine fake pussy.

Futuristic Realism, Pornstar Dimensions

I loaded up the site this morning with a hangover clouding my vision and fogging my brain, as well as an insatiable need to rub a sticky load out of my cock. I didn’t even realize I was jerking off to a love doll site until I wondered why the thumbnails weren’t moving when I hovered my mouse over them.

“These ain’t porn video thumbnails,” I realized as I continued to aggressively stroke my dick to the juicy booties and luscious titties on the page. “These are porn bitches I can fucking BUY!”

I think I was still a little buzzed. The state might have contributed to my eagerness to score one of the silicone beauties for myself, because I found myself looking around for a credit card. Then again, maybe I’m just a sucker for what looks like a bargain, and these guys are loud as fuck with their offers.

As my vision got less blurry and the letters started solidifying, the first thing I read on the screen was a massive 20% Off offer superimposed over a pair of TPE fuck-doll bubble butts. It’s a limited-time Christmas deal on all the premium sex dolls, but I’m willing to bet they offer all kinds of seasonal bargains to keep up with the competition.

Other perks blasted all over the landing page include a 100% Best Price Guarantee and payment-slicing options as low as $79 a month if you pay with Klarna. I mean, they accept PayPal, Visa, and Master Card, but why not use some shit you’ve never heard of when you’re buying a $2k masturbation toy from overseas? They offer payment plans, goddamnit!

Speaking of that overseas purchase, I looked all around the site, and it’s hard to tell where these guys ship from, but they do handle all the customs, duties and taxes to the US, Europe, and the UK. Romanians have to pay extra, but they don’t explain why. Shipping is free anywhere in the world.

Custom Masturbation Dolls Made to Order

Since the sex dolls are custom made, they start building them as soon as they receive your order. You’ll get an initial confirmation, and then another one within 12 days when they’ve got your personalized boobs inflated, vaginal cavity tightened, and fuckable asshole installed. Actual ship time runs around 7-10 days, so you’re looking at a total wait time of 2 or 3 weeks. It sounds like forever, but once she’s here, she’s yours forever.

JoyLoveDolls ships via UPS, FedEx, DHL, and EMS in a giant box that says MASTURBATION FUCK DOLL ENCLOSED, XXX-TRA LARGE BOOBIES. Nah, just kidding, it comes in a blank brown box that you have to sign for. Your neighbors will just think you’re getting a big piece of furniture delivered. Unless they know you, of course, in which case they’ll assume it’s a BBW sex doll, you’re going to dress in your mom’s old clothes.

Returns ain’t that easy, but they do promise that every doll is thoroughly inspected and tested before leaving the studio. The guy who gives them a good fuck-test probably has the second-best job behind porn stud, or maybe I’m just mistaken about what they mean by thorough inspection and testing. Either way, orders can only be canceled within 24 hours and incur a $299 fee. The only other way to get your money back is if it arrives fucked up.

Adult Toys at Adult Prices

Modern fuck dolls are customizable as hell, letting you bang a realistic version of your dream girl if you’ve got a couple of K to spare. JoyLoveDolls wouldn’t survive without a diverse selection of fake babes to buy, and a shit-ton of options for each. The front page of the site shows off some of their most popular realistic sex dolls.

The life-size TPE models are considered superior to the silicone models, so they get a lot of real estate out front. If you’re about to buy one of these bad girls, I do suggest reading up on the differences between the two. Silicone is cheaper, but doesn’t necessarily hold up as well to all the crazy fuck sessions you’re going to be giving her.

You’ll notice a lot of big SALE icons over the blonde bimbos and “teen” brunettes. Some of the markdowns are huge; the Anastasia Premium TPE WM-Doll is down right now from $2,199 to $1,699. Clicking any of the artificial women brings up a list of options.

This phony broad called Jordan Premium reminded me of a girl I used to smash until I got tired of her constant yammering. I liked the idea of owning a version of her that didn’t talk, and I could keep under the basement stairs, legally this time, so I clicked through to her customization/details page.

Build Your Own Dream Slut

JoyLoveDolls carries masturbation dolls from a number of different manufacturers. Jordan is a YL Doll, which the site claims is “one of the best sex doll brands.” The photos certainly look realistic enough to get my rod all stiff and ready to poke some TPE cunt, so I scrolled down to see how I could trick this bitch out.

Customers can select a new body type, including height and tit size, as well as skin tone. I was surprised to see an option to Select Body Temperature right below that. You can live it the fuck up with a USB vagina heater, full-body heating system, or both. Back in the earlier days of realistic love dolls, you practically had to be a necrophiliac to enjoy these ice-cold sluts, but now they feel more like living women.

The one caveat with the body heating options is that they don’t work with an EVO skeleton. The EVO skeleton option gives better movements than the standard, but you might have a frigid bitch on your hands. Ah, decisions, decisions…

Hairstyle, eye color, and both the width and color of the nipples are selected at checkout. There are options for breast size, naturally, as well as a few different fuckable choices for both mouths and pussies. JoyLoveDolls will sell you a love doll with a bald cooter, a thick 70s afro bush, or something in between.

You can choose your JoyLoveDoll’s hair color and hairstyle, but what I really like is that you can buy extra heads for the babe. If you get tired of seeing one girl’s dead eyes boring into your skull, you can swap her whole noggin out for a new broad. Alternately, you could go all Henry Lee Lucas and bang a girl with no head at all. They never talk back that way.

I didn’t have any intention of buying a sex doll when I set out to review JoyLoveDolls, but their selection has really got me wondering. The pictures of these fake sluts are hot enough to get me hard, and I fucking love the wide variety you get. If you’ve got cash to burn, you can get a masturbation device modeled after the girl of your dreams. The high price of entry is my only real complaint about the offerings on hand, but hey, they’re all way cheaper than a wife, and won’t give you any shit about your rampant porn addiction.