Ladies, if he...

- wins Movie of the Week on the most downvoted TWAB of all time
- wins again after the most downvoted State of the Game of all time
- won a couple other times too, but who's counting
- one-phases Gahlran with nothing but Midnight Coup and a dream
- ruins Petra's Runs by dropping his Well of Radiance off the map
- spends $80 on Warframe and never plays it again
- delivers cake and ice cream to Michael (it's his birthday today)
- houses one of the Awoken's most closely guarded secrets
- keeps anything with a thumbs-up in DIM
- trashes and dismantles everything else
- joins on you at the last second for a free pinnacle drop
- gets upset when Johnny steps on his pizza
- holds up the fireteam at Atheon to equip shaders
- bought all the pins
- dropped his shrimps
- throws it back
- misses the Old Bango
- loves Halo
- gets real
- eats bug

He's not your man. He's a bunch of rats in a trench coat just tryin' to finish this Garden run.