Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my ♥♥♥♥.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my ♥♥♥♥, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my ♥♥♥♥? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my ♥♥♥♥" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My ♥♥♥♥."