“Just to be clear, I’m not a professional ‘quote maker’. I’m just an atheist teenager who greatly values his intelligence and scientific fact over any silly fiction book written 3,500 years ago. This being said, I am open to any and all criticism."

- /u/Aalewis

A group as old as time itself. Wherever euphoria and fashionable wear have existed, the hands of the Euphoric Friends have pulled the strings, silent puppeteers in this great human game. Have you ever walked into JC Penny and seen a shelf of stylish hats for 5 bucks each on the quick sale rack? Our doing. Ever looked into your pocket and found a copy of the God Delusion where your wallet was supposed to be? Our machinations.

We control the media, the president, the Oscars, the Bilderberg Group, and 3 regional Taco stands that appear annually at the Mississippi state fair. We also own the Asiatic Clam industry, and will bring you sweet mollusk whenever you desire.

In return you must pay homage us and our reptilian overlords. Soon the world shall end and we will rule proud over the smoking remains of this once proud planet. Tipping will intensify to the point that none but the enlightened would dare oppose us. Soon my brothers. Soon you too shall see time as we see it, through a grimy computer monitor surrounded by empty soda cans. When you reach Nirvana, a true euphoric bliss, you will know you are one of us.

Invite your friends into the fold. Tell them the good news. We shall sing the Ave Maria of Autism, the Ballad of Basement dwellers, the Rachmaninoff of Social Retardation. And soon the world shall sing with us, a glorious melody of mediocrity and cheeto dust. Can’t you see? Your future and mine are entwined with this miserable band of losers. So join my brother, usher in a new age with us. All you have to lose is your chains.


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