Official Management Response – Cigarette Petition

Dear Team,

Management has reviewed Greg’s petition for free workplace cigarettes. While we appreciate his candid description of the “benefits,” we must unfortunately reject this request.

Extensive simulations indicate that cigarettes inside the facility may result in uncontrolled fires, reactor-side smoke screens, and a 300% increase in false evacuation alarms. Furthermore, the presence of open flames near volatile materials is considered “frowned upon” by both safety inspectors and common sense.

As an alternative, management reminds employees of our approved morale boosters:

Coffee machine (now calibrated for maximum jitter efficiency)

Vodka through the vents (strictly rationed, of course)

Interpretive reactor-core dance sessions during breaks

We thank Greg for his passion and encourage all staff to channel their energy into safe, slightly glowing alternatives. Remember: a cigarette-free, caffeine-fueled workforce is a productive workforce.

Stay glowing,
—The Head Manager, Nukleara Nuklear Employees Association ⚛️