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WARNING: The profile you’re about to read may cause spontaneous laughter or give you a tingling sensation in places we don’t talk about at Sunday brunch. These responses are normal and are not cause for alarm. Please proceed to click on the prescribed buttons and follow the authors instructions.

Hi, my name really is Ethan, but I don’t actually bite. I do enjoy a little hair pulling and a smack on the ass occasionally, but no biting. None of this will occur of course until you learn my carefully guarded safe word (psst, it’s “cottage cheese”).

A few things to note. I don’t like to sit still for very long, I don’t like drama, I love to socialize, and I have lots of female friends from a massage class I took while going through my mid-life crisis. I do however keep most of them locked in the basement.

I’m here looking for my best friend. She’ll be smart, cute, compassionate, full of life, open minded, independent and secure enough to put on a bikini for jello wrestling … probably with the girls in the basement.

Fun, laughter and witty conversation are what I want. If you walk around most of the day looking like somebody turned your prized ♥♥♥♥♥♥ inside out and made themselves a purse, you’re probably not for me.

Now, here are your instructions.

If you just think I’m cute, funny or would look good mounted above your fireplace, click the friend button till it turns to dust.