ExpressVPN ain’t the type of site I typically review here at ThePornDude. After all, their website is completely SFW and even family-friendly. Load that sucker up and you won’t find a single penetrated butthole, bare ass or even a stray nipple. The wholesome front-page graphics look more like something from one of those motivational posters they put up at the office than the cum-drenched hardcore bukkake orgies that I normally review around here. The thing is, any tool is only as wholesome as its user’s needs happen to be. I’m not saying my needs are nefarious, but I can never talk about my work in polite company.

ExpressVPN.com is one of the most popular Virtual Private Network services in the world. Their website alone pulls in hundreds of thousands of visitors every day, a number that pales in comparison to the number of Internet users actively browsing through their service. VPNs can be a complicated subject, but your average user, like you or me, only needs to know the basics to make the most of them. In a nutshell, a VPN’s main functions are letting you browse the Internet securely and anonymously, and helping you view blocked sites. Let’s see how well Express VPN delivers on those concepts, and what other kinds of perks it enables.

What Is an Express VPN?

When you use a service like ExpressVPN, you connect to your ISP as usual, but all your traffic is actually encrypted and then passed securely through the VPN. ExpressVPN.com describes it like a tunnel, which is a good metaphor; Comcast might be handling your traffic, but they can’t see any of it through the tunnel. The websites you’re visiting won’t be able to track you, either, since they’ll only see the VPN server’s IP address instead of your own personal set of digits. Instead of leaving the usual set of digital footprints most Internet users leave, you’ll become essentially anonymous online.

That anonymity provides a level of security that most Internet users wish they had. Don’t you get a little freaked out when you’re having a conversation, mention silicone fists to your buddy, and suddenly get inundated with dozens of sex-fist ads online? Tunneling through a VPN hides your identity and activity from those sneaky websites, apps and services that are constantly spying on you.

It doesn’t just provide security from the passive “harmless” tracking Facebook and Google do. The secured nature of VPN traffic means you also get a bonus layer of protection from malicious hackers who want to steal your identity and personal information. This protection is worthwhile on a private network, but practically a necessity when fucking around on public networks. ExpressVPN gives you a simple and effective boost in security every time you use the Internet.

Bypass Filters and Fuck Censorship

ExpressVPN.com can help you bypass all kinds of content filters. The coffee shop example is some small-time shit, to be honest. Some folks are forced to browse a heavily restricted, censored Internet, whether it’s regulated by the HR department, your country’s strongman dictator or a ball-crushing wife with a mean jealousy streak. If you live or work in the kind of shithole where you’re not allowed to read ThePornDude or crank off to titty-fucking movies, a VPN could sure come in handy.

I’m sure some of you have tried those public proxy sites that let you run your traffic through another website. Sometimes they work, allowing you to beat off to that foot fetish website on company time. Even when you do get a free proxy to work, they tend to be as slow as fucking hell. Loading pictures can take all goddamn day, and you can forget about streaming dirty movies. ExpressVPN will charge you a few bucks a month for the service, but their servers are optimized to be fast as fucking hell. You shouldn’t notice anything loading more slowly through ExpressVPN.

If your ISP or local WiFi network is throttling your Internet speed, the VPN can even help you stream faster. People don’t always realize how common a problem this is, but there is a quiet and constant war between the streaming media companies like Netflix and the Internet companies. ExpressVPN recommends streaming as one of the best times to use their service.

Express VPN for Almost Any Device

People have been arguing for decades about how much digital content is worth, with Metallica going as far as suing their fans for listening to Master of Puppets without paying. They’re still arguing about it, but one thing is certain: it’s worth different amounts in different countries. Video game prices on Steam can vary a lot depending on where you live, and the same thing goes for adult content like porn memberships. Using a service like ExpressVPN, you could theoretically cash in on some third-world prices while living in a California mansion.

Which begs the question: could you use ExpressVPN to sign up for a membership at ExpressVPN.com? I guess I’ll leave it to the hackers, because their regular prices ain’t bad at all for what they’re offering. It’s $13 a month if you’re on a month-to-month plan, but breaks down to about $8.32 a month if you spring for the yearly. There’s also a 30-day full money-back guarantee, giving you a solid month to decide if you like it.

It’s definitely worth noting that ExpressVPN is compatible with damn near everything that connects to the Internet. They’ve got the apps for platforms you’d expect like Windows, Mac, iOS and Android, plus less expected apps for Linux and routers. If you hit that Products dropdown on their front page, you’ll see a long list with full information on the different devices that will work. Smart TVs, video game systems and other “Internet of Things” devices are covered, with more on the way.

It’s hard to find much to complain about with ExpressVPN. The only reason I can think of not to sign up is if you don’t want to spend the money. I don’t blame you, especially if you’re just hoping not to get evicted before the next COVID check comes. If you don’t need a VPN, sure, save a few bucks. If you do need one, though, the price is right and the features are rich. None of those free proxy sites will serve you half as well.

ExpressVPN.com is as popular as it is for a reason. For under ten bucks a month, everything you do online is going to be more anonymous, more secure, and more free. It’s a worthwhile boost for a casual Internet user and a big upgrade for aspiring Porn Dudes and masturbation enthusiasts. Take advantage of their 30-day guarantee if you’d like a test drive first.