Why do I always feel so fucking fancy when I watch French porno? I feel like I should pop a bottle of nice wine and eat some snails while I butter up my long, throbbing baguette. (For the neckbeards out there in mom’s basement, remember to scrape the fromunda cheese off first.) Somebody just sent me a link to Jacque et Michel Elite, so I’m in exactly that kind of mood.

JacquieEtMichelElite.com is brought to you by, you guessed it, Jacquie et Michel, who call themselves “the leading group in pornography in France.” They’ve got a few dozen porn sites under their umbrella, but this Elite unit “specializes in high-end X movies and streaming,” according to the blurb at the bottom. The smut I’m eyeballing on the landing page already has my wood knocking, and I ain’t alone: they get thousands of visitors every day. Let’s see what those perverts are gawking at.

High-End Porn with Top-Shelf Sluts

They don’t immediately taunt you with hardcore, up-close penetration right from jump. Most of the grabs are relatively softcore, with genitals mostly hidden off camera and even a lot of the nipples covered. The women are hot, and I recognize a few of them. Some really top-shelf porn sluts grace the page, like Anissa Kate, Emma Klein and Lucy Heart. Personal favorites like Adriana Chechik and Valentina Nappi have even been known to make an appearance around here.

With online videos being the dominant form of adult media these days, I feel like movie posters and video covers are becoming a lost art. I appreciate the effort Jacquie et Michele Elite has done to create enticing title images that make your dick hard while making you wonder what kind of adventures these broads get into.

One of the big ones they’re advertising right now is called Jacky, which looks to be an X-rated parody of Joker. There’s an ominous dude in clown makeup taking up a whole side of the darkly lit poster, flanked on his side by a few topless bimbos on those iconic stairs. A screengrab shows our antihero getting a woman from behind while she grabs another dude’s dick.

There’s also a new Asian porn called Ass 117: Operation Nippone, a farm-themed group sex flick, and the adventures of a sexy, black-haired MILF with enormous natural jugs. I like the mix of X-rated content I’m seeing already, with everything from titty-fucks to BBW beach bangs to tranny babysitters corrupting their charges.

Part of the formula at JacquieEtMichelElite.com is the titular Jacquie et Michel smut, naturally. They’ve also got content from dozens of international porn studios. There are some big names filling out the menu, like DDF and DevilsFilm, so I suggest not even looking if you don’t have the cash for a membership. Goddamn, I’m all hard, drippy, and ready to get inside for a real look!

How Much of a Premium Are We Talking?

Regular access will run you 40 euro a month, which is about 50% more than your typical premium site. That doesn’t even include downloads, though. If you want the full, unadulterated package, it’s going to run you a whopping 60 euro a month. Holy fucking shit.

It’s helpful to know how much smut you’re actually getting access to on any site, but it’s even more important if you’re going to pay such a big-ass premium. As of this writing, JacquieEtMichelElite.com has over 800 movies in their collection. That includes 54 Elite movies produced by Jacquie et Michel, as well as 787 films by other porno studios in their Elite Selection.

Those are impressive numbers. The only way you’re going to beat those in terms of sheer pornographic volume is if you go with one of the bigger premium networks. Because of the price, you’re probably better off with one of those memberships if you’re strictly a bulk smut buyer. Quantity abounds at Jacque et Michel Elite, but the site is all about quality, as we’ll see.

They’ve got regular updates, so members will get a wealth of new fap fodder every month. The original content schedule is, well, a little unusual. Most paysites update at least weekly, or sometimes daily on those big networks I mentioned. JacquieEtMichelElite does bulk uploads at the beginning of each month, adding four new Elite scenes to the collection.

Four scenes a month ain’t really anything to write home about, but the Elite movies are just the in-house selection at Jacque et Michel Elite. The catalog of movies from other studios is actually growing much faster. Last month, they added a couple dozen full-length fuck flicks to their Elite Selection.

Fapping to Jacque et Michel Elite

All the thumbnails look hot, but I’m partial to the blonde babe getting her twat stretched out in the scene called William Takes Advantage of the Waitresses. A dark-haired friend is helping out, sticking out her tongue and spreading that hottie’s asscheeks to give us a better look. Jacque et Michel Elite sure knows how to pick ‘em!

Playback is instantaneous as soon as I hit the Play button. After a quick Jacquie et Michel Elite logo, we see a clown putting on his makeup. Clowns ain’t known for being the studliest motherfuckers, but a sexy bitch immediately comes up, reaches down his pants, and grabs herself a handful of dick. Her hand comes out covered in a sticky, slippery and glittery slime. A laugh is shared as she shows everyone the sparkly clown cum. Our dude is embarrassed, presumably because he came so fast and not because his jizz looks like a disco ball.

They’re speaking French, but even if they weren’t, the vibe is French as hell. There are strings playing in the background, with highly polished camerawork and editing way artier than you find in Los Angeles pornos without straying into boring erotica territory. A quick montage shows our hero having a bad time at the bar before moping on a bridge where he’s approached by those sluts from the thumbnail.

Going Underground for a Bang

The artiness of the intro gives way to fairly straight-forward, simple camerawork that gives us multiple great views of the action. There’s no musical soundtrack, instead letting the girls do the singing in the language of ecstatic moans, whimpers and groans. They get loud pretty quick, which can sometimes be a sign that the girls are phoning it in. The looks in their eyes and on their faces tells me otherwise; these girls want it and love it!

The dude does wear a rubber, which some of you ain’t going to like. I wonder if he changes it before flipping the girls around and poking their assholes. I looked around a bit and it looks like the Elite movies at JacquieEtMichelElite typically have condoms, though they’re far more rare in the Elite Selection by other studios.

JacquieEtMichelElite.com does cost more than your typical paysite, but what you’re mainly paying for is the high overall quality of the exclusive movies. The Elite films are the real meat of the collection, showcasing the work that has put Jacquie et Michel on the map as world-class pornographers. The hundreds of additional movies from international sex studios rounds the hell out of the membership plan, ensuring you a constant stock of dirty movies to shake your dick at.